• “If god had intended us not to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.”
• “The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
• “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”:]
• “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
• “Just because you got the monkey off your back does not mean the circus has left town.”
• “If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”
• I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
• Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
• No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
• If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
• By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
• I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
• What year did Jesus think it was?
• In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
• The planet is fine. The people are fucked
• Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
• Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
• “Meow” means “woof” in cat
• I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
• It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
• Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
• Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
• Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Check out this list at OnMyList, where you can list your pants off!